I may or may not be dying at this very moment.
It’s probably the Consumption. Or the Plague. Maybe cholera. Whatever it is, I’ll die knowing I have the very best husband in the world, because he’s offered to come home in the middle of his shift to take the Dictator to her sitter’s so that I don’t have to drag my sorry ass off the couch to take her there myself. Bless that man.
It's Really Hard To Be Authoritative When You...
I lost my voice yesterday morning. It came back later in the day, but I woke up today and it’s gone again. So far, my requests and directions have been met by a few smirks and some flat-out “no”s from the Dictator. It’s going to be a long day.
No, YOU just dropped a pumpkin cream cheese muffin...
…after IT told you the last replacement keyboard would be your last replacement keyboard.
Ten… Elebben, twelb… threeteen, fourteen, fiveteen…– Dictator’s preferred way to count to twenty
I May Be 2,000km Away
But I still got a goodnight kiss and hug from the kiddo via Facetime. I love technology.
Best. Sleepover. Ever
Voice from the doorway: Whatchoo doin' Mama?
Me: It doesn't matter, Dictator. You're sleeping.
Voice from the doorway: No I not.
I Feel Like I'm In That Episode of Family Guy
Me: What, bebe?
Me: What do you need, kiddo?
Me: I'm standing right here, Dictator. What do you need?
Dictator: [wanders away without a word]
Longest Run-on Sentence Ever
mamanerdy replied to your post: I Don’t Remember Who Recommended Two Kisses for Maddy, But… It was probably me. Welcome to sobfest 2011, right? Aha! It was you. When you send me my replacement box, I prefer the regular Kleenex, not that lotiony stuff, okay? I love hate love books where you know what’s about to happen and you’re reading and you can’t stop it from...
I Think I May Love This Man
Anderson Cooper has a bunch of pageant moms and their daughters on his show this morning. Can I just say how much his face delighted me when the first kid started her performance? I had the closed captioning on, so there was a bit of a delay, but I suspect he had the most trouble controlling his face when the six-year-old sang something to the effect of “I’m a cutie...
I Don't Remember Who Recommended Two Kisses for...
You owe me a box of Kleenex. Also: I don’t like you very much right now.
At Least I Have My Looks
Me: I almost had a heart attack when I opened up my web browser and saw that the Airmiles toolbar thingie was showing a balance of 295 miles.
Then I remembered that I redeemed 4,800 of them yesterday.
Husband: You're pretty.
I don’t understand why I have to travel 1,200km west, then 3,200km southeast, then 800km northeast when the place I want to go to is less than 2,000km dead east. Please ‘splain.
Once Again, Sorry About Your Stupid Parents, Kid
A friend gave the Dictator a French Strawberry Shortcake book. My, but bedtime was humbling last night.
Baby Shower Peer Pressure
Husband: How was the baby shower?
Me, rolling my eyes: Ugh. It was a shower. You know, a room full of women going, "Ooh!" and "Awwww!" over tiny baby things.
Husband: Did you go "ooh!" and "aww!" over the tiny baby things?
Me: Well, yeah. I mean, I'm not dead inside.
Husband: And there was all that peer pressure.
Me: Always the peer pressure.
It Doesn't Help That I Just Looked Over At Him &...
mamanerdy replied to your photo: Sam is a really good sport. Sam looks like he got busted drunk. Shh.
I was getting dressed this morning when Dictator came up behind me (stealthily, I might add), started playing the bongos on my bare ass, and yelled “Bum drums! Bum drums!” It is really hard to tell your child that something’s inappropriate when you’re struggling to speak through laughter-induced tears.
Dear Enfamil: Time to Update Your Mailing List
I opened the mailbox today to find a package containing a 370g can of powdered formula, a four-pack of pre-mixed formula in ready-to-use bottle jobbies, and two hermetically sealed nipples to stick on the pre-mixed jobbies. I can only imagine what that cost to mail out, and although I appreciate free stuff, my baby has been off formula for oh, coming up on two and a half years now. (I tried to...
I Just Found Three More On the Husband's Side of...
Has he been wearing them??
Mama Needs a New Wardrobe
I just counted seven brown blazers in my closet. Seven. One black, one grey, one navy. And seven brown ones. At least they go well with my multitude of brown shoes.
Women in the living room, drinking wine and watching Sex & the City reruns. Men in the kitchen washing dishes. All is right in the world.
Why, thank you, kind sir.
Me, fumbling with the turkey: It's missing a wing! Grade A, my ass!
Husband: Your ass IS pretty Grade A
mommyakajenna replied to your post: Yes. But I am L-A-Z-Y. Dice & cook with butter 2 medium onions 3 celery 2 carrots 2 jiffy mixes of cornbread Cook up then crumble together with veggies, add poultry seasoning until it smells good, salt & pepper TT, chicken stck to moisten (sticky not soaking), one egg. Thanks, Nana! I’ve never thought to use cornbread. I do make mine from...
Yes. But I am L-A-Z-Y.
dollywantacracker replied to your post: I Have Been to a Superstore, 4 Safeways and a Sobey’s Since Thursday Can’t you just cube regular bread, spread it out on a cookie sheet, and then bake for a few minutes at a low temp to make dry bread cubes? I’ve actually never bought the pre-made kind, so I wouldn’t know if it makes a difference in taste. Also, I can never get my own bread cubes as...
I Have Been to a Superstore, 4 Safeways and a...
No one will notice if there’s no stuffing next to the turkey on the table tomorrow, right? I mean, it’s not like the stuffing is secretly the most important part of Thanksgiving dinner. And its not like anyone really likes it. I mean, it’s all delicious, turkeyfied bread smothered in drippings and general get-in-my-belly-now-ness, with those awesome crispy bits that got a little...
There are eight more just like this on the computer.
And Then There Were Three
I can’t stop thinking about the photo I reblogged this morning. More accurately, I can’t stop thinking about the night we first met the Dictator. She was four days old. Her birthparents were late. Really late. The adoption counsellor told us not to worry, but her face said that this was unusual. We were nervous. Oh my god, we were so nervous! I wanted to vomit. When they finally pulled up, the...
Me: [Handing Dictator her juice] Here you go, ma'am.
...What do you say?
Dictator: Thank you, ma'am.
Because The Most Accurate Information Always Comes...
Coworker: I could never have an open adoption. What if Dictator's parents decide they don't like the way you're raising her and come to take her back?
Me: Well... they can't just come and take her. I mean, they don't have any parental rights, so...
Coworker: But they're her parents.
Me: No... We're her parents.
Coworker: But they could still come take her back, right?
Coworker: ...and since you see them all the time, they know how you're raising her, so if they don't like something, they could decide to just take her back.
Me: No, they can't. They don't get any say in how we raise her, and they definitely can't just decide to take her back. The adoption's final, so...
Coworker: Yeah, but it's OPEN. I couldn't have an adoption like that, knowing that they could just come back and take her.
Me: They can't. That would be kidnapping. 'Open' just means they get to have a certain level of contact with us. It doesn't mean they get to change their minds later.
Coworker: Yes, it does. I saw a movie about that.
You Know Why I Love Tumblr?
This is why: mybrainexplode replied to your post: You feed your kid beer? Please say your joking. Are we not allowed to do that? mommy-who replied to your post: You feed your kid beer? Please say your joking. How the hell else do you get your kids to sleep?! thegorydetails replied to your post: You feed your kid beer? Please say your joking. And please say you know you should have used...
Anonymous asked: You feed your kid beer? Please say your joking.
My Money's On That One
Me: I’ll drop Dictator off after your hockey game so I can make it to my meeting. Just don’t feed her any beer in the parking lot.
Husband: She can have a few beers with us in the change room. It will make her relaxed.
Me: Good plan.
Husband: Or she might be an angry drunk.
Me: My money’s on that one.