June 2011
48 posts
3 tags
For clarity, he meant sell my photography. I...
Me: You can buy season tickets if I can upgrade my camera.
Husband: Just start selling yourself, and you can have a new camera in no time!
Me: Do you even hear yourself?
May 2011
56 posts
1 tag
It's the Thought that Counts
Dictator brought me my Kindle this morning, yelling “Mama! I bring you book!”
Super sweet.
I just wish I wasn’t in the shower at the time.
3 tags
An Open Letter to my Face
Dear face,
Kindly decide whether you belong to a pimply 15-year-old girl, or an 87-year-old woman with horrifying chin hairs that pop up out of nowhere, because this shit is getting old.
It’s extremely disconcerting that you have the ability to channel both personas at the same time, and you’d probably not be terribly surprised to learn how difficult it can be to find a facial...
1 tag
Hide & Seek
Husband (feigning difficulty finding Dictator, who always hides in the same spot): Are you... in the kitchen?
Tiny voice from back room: No...
Husband: Are you... in the bathroom?
Tiny voice from back room: [giggles] No...
Husband: Are you... in your room?
Tiny voice from back room: Daddy! I back here!
2 tags
Crummy Muffins
I have a super awesome recipe for apple muffins with a crumb topping (Apple Streusel Muffins from Bite Me by Julie Albert & Lisa Gnat). They taste incredible. They’re incredibly moist. And they make an incredible mess.
As we watched Dictator devour one and lose most of the crumb topping to gravity and her still-in-progress motor skills, the Husband looked at me and asked, “Do you...
Clearly.
bujnik replied to your post: A Matter of Personal Taste
You should look into gene therapy. Clearly she needs severe medical interventions.
That’s what I thought.
2 tags
A Matter of Personal Taste
I try to be non-judgmental unless someone makes really poor choices and clearly wants to be judged.
Marry who you want, don’t get married ever. Whatever.
Be a working mom, be a stay at home mom, be childless. Whatever.
Believe in God, don’t believe in God, believe in many Gods. Whatever.
But I have to admit to judging my own child today. Just a little bit.
I served up...
2 tags
Possessed
I’ve started getting up early so I can have a little quiet time to myself every day. I like it when the house is completely silent and no one is asking me to feed them/dress them/check out their booger/wipe their butts (the Husband should be old enough to do all of this for himself by now, shouldn’t he?).
Anyway.
Our bedrooms are on the main floor of our house, and I can see...
2 tags
prettymess asked: Your blog is hill-LARRY-yus. HILARIOUS.
And the gym thing, I learned you do NOT wear thongs to the gym. Not when you're attempting to kick your own ass into submission anyhow. Because should you try this, you will end up with what my OB told me is commonly referred to as "thong burn." A snide way of saying you have rug burn in your goddamn asscrack. It's superb....
And the gym thing, I learned you do NOT wear thongs to the gym. Not when you're attempting to kick your own ass into submission anyhow. Because should you try this, you will end up with what my OB told me is commonly referred to as "thong burn." A snide way of saying you have rug burn in your goddamn asscrack. It's superb....
3 tags
Try Again
I’ve discovered the key to my sanity. It’s two little words: Try again.
I don’t mean it in a philosophical, “if at first you don’t succeed” kind of way. I mean as a parenting tool.
“Try again” has magical qualities, you guys. For some reason, Dictator actually tries again instead of dissolving into a full-blown meltdown when something isn’t...
3 tags
potty and nuni and tissue...oh my
mediocremommy:
Daddy rounded the corner into the bathroom tonight just in time to see Gigi go potty, take a Kleenex out of the box on the back of the toilet, wipe her nuni and then put the Kleenex back in the box.
The other day I went to blow my nose and thought the tissue seemed awful rumpled….clearly not the first time she has done this. Super.
I’m sure this makes me an awful...
3 tags
Meltdown in 3... 2... 1...
So you know how I was vaguely pleased that Dictator associated nails with tools and not pedicures?
Well. My little ungirly girl is stretching her proverbial legs and now “dressing” herself (please don’t misread this and think that she actually deigns to physically put the clothes on herself - that’s what her minions parents are for. She just picks out her clothes). I have...
4 tags
True Story
Hey, you know what’s not a good idea? Letting your exhausted toddler take a nap at 5:00 in the evening.
No matter how exhausted she seems, and no matter how big the exhaustion-fueled freakout is that you are trying to avoid, it is your parental obligation to sing, dance, entertain, or perform chinese water torture on your child to keep her awake until it is a reasonable hour for her to...
2 tags
Aaaaaand we're back
After spending the last 10 hours either throwing up, passed out, or crying because everything hurts...
Dictator:
"Go [sitter]'s house?"
"I have banana?"
"Chockick milk!"
"Canny*? No?"
"Wall-E? Pease?"
"Cackers? With peabutter?"
Starving
Currently trapped under 30lbs of sick toddler.
Please send food.
3 tags
The Right Incentive
We have an ongoing non-battle with Dictator regarding what is an appropriate amount of food to eat for dinner. Currently, she thinks it’s nothing, and we think it’s a bite of everything. Call us big fat meanies.
We’re trying so hard not to make eating a “thing”, but there’s a tiny Italian grandmother inside me who just wants to feed everyone. All the time.
...
3 tags
Locked Out
You know how you always laugh at another parent’s story about getting locked out of the house by their child, then quietly judge them for being so stupid as to let it happen?
Let the laughter and judgment commence. Better throw in some finger-pointing with the laughter. Go.
2 tags
mammalingo asked: Go take a look at my blog... ; )
3 tags
Oh, Brother
On the drive to the sitter’s this morning, with Dictator crying in the backseat…
Me: Bebe, you have to use words. I don’t understand tears. Dictator: [more crying] Me: Are you sad? Dictator: No sad. Me: Does something hurt? Dictator: No hurt. Me: Are you angry? Dictator: Yes, an-dry. Me: Why are you angry? Dictator: Want more brother.
Fuuuuuuck. I knew that would come back...
5 tags
2 tags
mammalingo asked: "We decided that they were dead inside." Maybe the funniest thing ever.
2 tags
Today's Lesson
It’s important that your nearly-three-year-old knows what a baby brother is before you teach her to say, “Baby brother please, Daddy!” in an effort to convince your spouse to add to your family.
Because she will run around demanding a brother, getting more and more upset that you’re not giving her one, until you finally find some old candy hearts in the cupboard, hand her...
3 tags
Dictator, in a Nutshell
So, that’s three times now that I’ve received this ask:
Each tagged person must post ten things about their child(ren). You have to choose and tag ten people. Go to their blogs and tell them you tagged them.
Without further adieu, ladies, behold the Dictator:
She has the smelliest feet I’ve ever come across on a little person. Seriously. They rival her father’s.
We constantly have...
3 tags
maggiemakeslight asked: Here are the rules:
Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves. You have to choose and tag ten people. No tag backs.
Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves. You have to choose and tag ten people. No tag backs.
bujnik replied to your post: bujnik replied to your post: bujnik replied to…
Nope they were together for like 5 years. They’re still together actually but not married. I don’t think she has very high standards.
No shit. I can’t decide if this story is better or worse now that I know that his fiancee is a woman.
Better, I think. Yes, better.
bujnik replied to your post: bujnik replied to your post: Happy…
Lol a friend of mine got that for his fiance for their anniversary. Not signed or anything.
What, for like their two-week dating anniversary? Because anything else would be immediate grounds for divorce. Immediate.
2 tags
Bow Chicka Bowwow...
Dictator was playing in the yard today with her best buddy from next door, when her buddy starts singing “Bow chicka bowwow…”
Shenanigansandbookshelves and I could barely contain our laughter, wondering aloud about our neighbours’ extracurricular activities.
We later learned that that’s actually a line from a fairly innocuous song from a children’s cartoon.
...
bujnik replied to your post: Happy Anniversary
Still better than a Stone Cold Steve Austin poster.
Um, I would like to hear the story behind that one, please.
2 tags
Happy Anniversary
This year, instead of a fancy dinner and gifts, the Husband and I decided to treat ourselves to an exterminator and have some ants murdered for our anniversary.
Those little buggers have built a massive colony under our lawn, and last year the anthills were so big, we had to keep Dictator out of the yard out of fear that she’d fall into one and be adopted as their queen.
Insecticide is on...
3 tags
I think it's time to trim her fingernails
Dictator just gave me a fat lip with some kind of ninja stab/punch maneuver that I didn’t see coming.
Is there toddler UFC league I can look into? Because those skills shouldn’t be wasted.
Pack Mule
I was digging around in my purse at lunch, searching for an elusive McDonald’s coupon that I know was in there (and which, sadly, I did not find), and discovered the following:
two pull-ups
a swim diaper (just in case an impromptu swim party breaks out?)
a completely dried out mini-pack of wipes
a yellow crayon
a partially consumed green sucker that I remember taking away from Dictator...
2 tags
Well. At least there's that.
shenanigansandbookshelves replied to your post: It Wasn’t Me.
Yep. She definitely said “wasn’t me”! She just burped and I heard the variation of “excuse me”. Love her!
4 tags
It Wasn't Me.
Just got a text from shenanigansandbookshelves, who is hanging out with the Dictator today:
Dictator just farted and said “wasn’t me!”
I asked her if she was sure, because Dictator usually says some variation of “excuse me” when she farts - because although we have a whole host of not-quite-ultimate parenting habits, we rock manners. Or so I thought:
I...
2 tags
2 tags
shenanigansandbookshelves is coming!...
That is all.
1 tag
laurenandkinley-deactivated2012 asked: Tag Game!
Here are the rules:
Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves. You have to choose and tag ten people . Go to their blogs and tell them you tagged them. No tag backs ;)
Here are the rules:
Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves. You have to choose and tag ten people . Go to their blogs and tell them you tagged them. No tag backs ;)
3 tags
mediocremommy replied to your post: Happy, um, Mother’s Day?
I love this post! You should read my post A Tale of Two Mommies. It’s nice for me to find someone that understands how I feel. p.s. the fact that you call your child the dictator is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.
That’s how I found you! I think I had searched for “adoption” and that post came up....
3 tags
@mediocremommy
mediocremommy answered your question: Happy, um, Mother’s Day?
we keep it simple…an email with photos.
Do you wish her a happy Mother’s Day or Birthmother’s Day? Do you avoid it like we did?
(I’m just nosy.)
3 tags
Happy, um, Mother's Day?
I struggled with this post a little bit, which is partly why it’s a few days late, so forgive me. (In related news, I’m terrible with deadlines.) But a belated Mother’s Day card arrived for me today and that was enough of a kick in the pants to finish writing.
My daughter has two mothers.
There’s me: raising her, teaching her, scolding her, cuddling her, watching Toy Story 8,673...
3 tags
Phantom Limb
I forgot my BlackBerry on my desk this afternoon. While I’m not exactly suffering from withdrawal shakes at the moment (those passed hours ago!), I do keep “hearing” phantom text notifications.
I should probably have that checked out.
2 tags
2 tags
Irony Explained →
randomactsofdouchebaggery:
Finally. A brief, yet detailed, explanation of irony.
Also, the remake of “Ironic” is epic.
3 tags
I think we’re single-handedly keeping the chicken finger industry in business.
Dictator is eating for them for breakfast right now.
Anonymous asked: i would hate to be your kid
3 tags
The One Where I Get All Uppity (As Opposed To All... →
I came across this post this afternoon, and I tried, guys. I really did. But I couldn’t help it…
anjobanjo: A facebook friend announced on their status that their family is in the adoption application process.
“This is great!” Was my first thought, but my second thought was “How picky are they going to be?”
It bothers me when people are picky about adopting and only want a white...
2 tags
Screw breakfast in bed
The Husband is on the night shift, so Dictator and I had dinner in bed. It was kind of awesome.
Why haven’t I thought of this before?
bujnik replied to your post: So, my sitter has pinkeye…Hey. Ouch. I have pink eye right now.
And if your pinkeye had “forced” me to stay home today, I’d be raising a glass to you instead of my sitter.
Do you want an honourary toast? Is that it? I can arrange that.
2 tags
So, my sitter has pinkeye...
Not his kid, my sitter himself. Vaguely impressive, if you ask me.
Either way, this means that I’ll be working from home with the Dictator today. Nothing like getting a freebie day at home with a kid who’s not sick!
Three cheers for someone else’s pinkeye!
2 tags
Round of Applause
Potty training has taught me several things:
Two-year-olds are liars. They lie about not having to pee, they lie about crapping their pants, and they lie about whether or not they’ve actually used the toilet. Especially if they think it will help them get M&Ms/a sticker/the keys to your car.
A small fortune could be made for anyone who develops biodegradable disposable liners for...
2 tags
While Getting Fancy For a Dinner Out:
Me, holding two dresses up for Husband to look at: Which dress for tonight?
Husband, pointing: That one.
Dictator: Mama's dress?
Me: Yep. Mama's going to put this dress on.
Dictator, pointing to the other one: Dictator wear dis dress?
Me: No, sweetie. It's too big for you.
Dictator: Daddy? Daddy wear dress?
...
Only when he's alone, Dictator. Only when he's alone.
