June 2011
48 posts
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I Just Found Grass In My Bellybutton
Operation: Teach Dictator How to Roll Down a Hill successful.
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Well, Now What?
I am not above bribery. In fact, I think it’s a pretty good tool when not overused, and since Dictator needs a little extra incentive while we’re toilet training, we’re pulling bribery out of our arsenal.
Good plan, right?
Well. Let me set this scene for you:
Dictator, hopping around, grabbing her crotch, generally being antsy.
Me: Do you need to use the potty?
Dictator:...
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Apparently, We're on a First Name Basis
Remember how a week ago, I was all concerned by the fact that Dictator has been calling me “Mommy” instead of “Mama”?
Yeah…
She started calling me by my first name yesterday.
Awesome.
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Dictator is laughing out loud in bed instead of...
I guess she figures that if it sounds like she’s having a really good time in there, we might come in to see what we’re missing.
Weirdo.
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“Drive faster!”
– Dictator
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I Wonder What Cesar Milan Would Charge for Potty...
This gem came from shenanigansandbookshelves while we were discussing Dictator’s “strong” personality and its impact on toilet training:
“You know how when you train dogs, you turn them on their backs and hold them down until they’re submissive? You should try that.
“You need the Dog Whisperer!”
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Name Game
I detest being called “Mommy.”
I do.
I strongly prefer “Mama”, and while I hope that some day that will transition to just “Ma”, I’m okay with “Mom”.
But I just can’t stand “Mommy”.
I realize that most mothers of young children are, in fact, Mommy. I get it. I just don’t like it. Of course, since most other...
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As Expected
2a.
…or 2b. Who knows, really?
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Now Taking Bets
Dictator did not wake me up last night, which means one of a few things:
she stayed dry the entire night, or
she peed the bed, and: a. didn’t notice, or b. didn’t care, or
she actually used the potty we left next to the bed.
I’m afraid to look.
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shenanigansandbookshelves replied to your post: shenanigansandbookshelves replied to your post:…
Done! I’m there! I feel like my future sister-in-law would also appreciate these services, should I bring her adorable yet stubborn little one who’s current favourite sentence is “I can feel myself starting to pee!!!!”?
As long as you think that the two of them wouldn’t join forces and...
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shenanigansandbookshelves replied to your post: This Is Going To End Badly
If you can convince my boss to give me 2 weeks of “potty training leave” I’ll be there tomorrow, Dictator will be peeing on the potty like a pro and your floors/bed sheets will be dry as a bone.
If I can somehow turn this into a medical condition, could those count as family days? Because this is seriously starting to...
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This Is Going To End Badly
We’ve decided to enforce a strict no-diapers-during-waking-hours rule at our house, intentional displays of stubbornness and control accidents be damned. Dictator has grudgingly spent the past three days in underwear, and has successfully made it to the toilet a grand total of three times.
This is not going well.
But we’re sticking with it. So today, we ignored the screaming when...
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bujnik replied to your post: Get Rich Quick Scheme?
Actually people do. In places like NYC they have professional potty trainers that stay over your house and do hardcore potty training bootcamp for a week.
Those people are masochists.
Also: I should have asked for one of these for Mother’s Day.
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Get Rich Quick Scheme?
I had a brilliant idea this afternoon after one successful trip to the potty and four less successful clean-up operations: I’m going to open a kind of boarding school for the toilet-training set. Parents enrol their kids in the program, and once they’re whipped into shape, the kids are sent home with a pack of Underoos and a No More Diapers t-shirt.
I’d be rich in no time!...
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Attention Shoppers
Dictator loudly announced the following to the Husband and about six nearby shoppers at Superstore this morning:
“Mama pooped!”
(For the record, it was just #1.)
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That's More Like It, Vancouver →
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Sigh
Things my white pants survived this morning:
a sticky peanut-butter-and-jam-covered leg-hug
the dirty diaper that I decided to fold on my knee
Dictator’s muddy shoes during Operation: Strap Flailing Octopus Into Her Car Seat
Dictator’s muddy shoes during Operation: Remove Flailing Octopus From Her Car Seat
Things my white pants did not survive this morning:
the highlighter that...
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Know the Whereabouts of Your Undergarments at All...
A couple of days ago, Dictator was “helping” me get dressed, and asked to wear one of my bras. I looped one over her arms and watched as she went running off through the house, hoping that I could get it off her without major drama before we left for the sitter’s.
That was the last time I saw it.
Until this morning, when someone knocked on our door. As I was chatting with a...
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Samuel L. Jackson Narrates Go the Fuck to Sleep →
You know what’s more awesome than this book itself (which is, arguably, really awesome)?
Samuel L. Jackson narrating it.
I can’t even.
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The Next Family: Adoption TMI →
“I am guilty of revealing too much information –more than I want to admit. I never know when I will launch into TMI about adoption; it surprises even me. It isn’t predictable like oh the person asking is a woman and I am sure she wants to hear all about our adoptions. Instead it is totally random, like a bout of Tourette’s.”
- Meika Rouda, via...
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Well, That Didn't Go Exactly To Plan
I laid down with Dictator at bedtime and sang a few songs, running my finger down her nose to help her fall asleep. She started rubbing my nose in return, which I thought was adorable…
…and then the Husband woke me up.
Seems that the nose technique really is effective. Just, perhaps, not on the intended target.
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“Mm-hmmmmm…”
– Dictator, mimicking the disinterested noise I make when I’m focused on something other than whatever it is that she’s trying do/show/tell me at that moment
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Rebuffed
Dictator spent a good portion of yesterday evening picking “flowers” from our “garden” (read: chives that have gone to seed in the expanse of weeds that we call our yard).
Today, she brought one to daycare to give to her little buddy. I thought it was completely sweet; he just looked at her like she was strange.
Boys. They just don’t appreciate the little gestures.
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Petty Tricks & Sleight of Hand: Bonus Edition
prettymess replied to your post: Petty Tricks & Sleight of Hand
I tell Merrick I’m giving his dinner/breakfast/everything to one of the other little boys at daycare. Works every.freaking.time. Competitiveness, I encourage it. Also, ketchup or “dip.”
This reminds me of the trick I use on days that Dictator doesn’t want to go to the sitter’s (usually after a day or two home with the...
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Petty Tricks & Sleight of Hand
Dictator has a typical small-person appetite - she will eat grown men under the table one day, then eat practically nothing to next day. Luckily, she’s not picky about what she eats, just about the volume of food she consumes.
I know kids are pretty much self-regulating at this age, and I’m sure she’s getting a varied enough diet out of what she does deign to eat, so I try not...
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thekidhasarrived replied to your post: Dictator is big sister. Sort of.
Not that you owe any of us an explanation, but thank you for sharing this with us. I love reading about all the different ways that families can exist!
Thanks! I don’t feel like I owe anyone an explanation, but because I find that people often are afraid of and/or curious about open adoption, I’m generally happy...
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bujnik replied to your post: bujnik replied to your post: Dictator is big…
I don’t need to be anon. If I have a question I ask it.
I guess I should know that by now!
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bujnik replied to your post: Dictator is big sister. Sort of.
I find it strange that perfect strangers even care about such things. Adoption is a weird animal.
I presume it was a perfect stranger. It wasn’t you, was it? :)
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Dictator is big sister. Sort of.
I received a really obnoxious message from an anon who doesn’t approve of the fact that Dictator’s birthmother is parenting another baby. In just a few lines, s/he managed to be rude and offensive and hurtful to me, Dictator and her birthmother, and I refuse to post the message and let it live here forever. However, had the question (statement, really) been posed in a more respectful...
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mediocremommy asked: I'm guessing the Dictator is somewhere between 2 and 3...does she ever ask about babies growing in a belly. If you don't mind me asking have you decided what you are going to tell her when the time comes around?
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bookworm: I feel like there should be a series of... →
Yup.
boookworm:
Because the first year is rough, but it does get better. I promise.
Here’s a little wisdom (I use that term loosely) from someone who has made it to the other side.
• Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes you’re going to fantasize about throwing your baby out of an open window. It’s perfectly normal. Obviously, don’t act on those fantasies, but don’t feel guilty for them either....
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If it takes a village, where's mine?
Last night, I read a post from a new mama that broke my heart a little - she sounded so frustrated. So overwhelmed. So like me in the early days.
I sent her what I hoped would be encouraging words, and she replied, “I wish more people had been honest about the more emotional and hormonal aspects of it.” She’s right. So right.
I remember how frustrated I was in the early days....
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Boy, Life Has Changed
I may or may not be sitting around in my underwear in an attempt to encourage the Dictator to trade in her diaper for “big girl underpants”.
Kind of reminds me of No Pants Sundays at my old apartment in college - only I’m pretty sure we did it then in the hopes that some of the guys would stop by and “catch” us. Now I’m really just hoping that no one rings the...
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“Oh no! Elle open la door! Beast find her! Il est angry! Il roar!”
– Dictator, watching Beauty & the Beast
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Note to Self: Snickering ≠ Sorry
I just scared the hell out of my child while we were playing hide and seek. (I feel it’s important to note that this was entirely unintentional.)
My uncontrollable laughter probably made my apology seem less sincere.
Sorry, Kid.
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Damn Language Barrier
Husband: Can you grab bread & grapes from the store at some point tonight?
Me: Your daughter is not exactly in a mood in which I'd like to take her out in public. How badly do you need them?
Husband: Not that badly. Why so unhappy?
Me: Life is hard? I don't know... She's not exactly open about her feelings.
Husband: What are you talking about? She's nothing but feelings. She just never explains WHY she's screaming.
Me: Damn language barrier.
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Three Ring Mom: All Hail the Penis of Madagascar →
Dictator is starting to sound more and more like a real person, and we no longer have to employ a live-in translator.
Truth be told, it makes me a little sad. But then I go and read something like this, and after I finish laughing, I’m grateful that the likelihood that Dictator will ask for the Princess and the Fuck in public is rapidly decreasing.
Then I remember that there are plenty of...
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Whining
I’ve referenced Dictator’s World Class Whining briefly before, and I was not kidding.
This child reaches pitches that I didn’t think were possible for the human vocal cords.
She draws words out for days until they’re barely recognizable as words.
And every sentence ends with “Maaammmmmaaaaaaaaa!” Every. One.
We seemed to be getting a handle on it over the...
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Happy Pride!
Stuck in a more-than-minor traffic jam this afternoon before the Pride Parade, a very large, very angry-sounding man stuck his head out the window of his van and yelled “What is going on with the traffic here?”
Most of the people standing around quickly avoided eye contact, but one woman yelled, “It’s the gay pride parade!”
The angry dude’s response? A big...
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Too Bad She Can't Read
Dear Dictator,
Mama is going to be awake all night for the Relay For Life, and although you seem to hate naps, I would love to have one this afternoon like the one you will try your damndest to avoid will get to have. Sadly, I don’t have time for a nap today, so last night’s sleep was very important to me.
As much as I can appreciate how fun I am to hang out with, it was entirely...
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Lost in Translation
For the past few days, Dictator has constantly been asking for “waddin”. Depending on the situation, the Husband and I usually tell her no, we will not be taking her out in the wagon at this moment. This invariably results in a Stage 4 meltdown as she demands “waddin” repeatedly at a variety of volumes and pitches.
It took us four days to realize that she was asking to...
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Addition
The Husband and I love going to open houses in neighbourhoods all over the city, mainly because we are nosy as hell we like occasionally picking up an idea or two for our own house. Lately, we’ve been walking away from more an more open houses talking about how much we like the neighbourhood, and oh, check out that park over there for Dictator, and wouldn’t that little office make the...
