January 2012
36 posts
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It Was Nice While It Lasted
You know how, as responsible parents, you sit in the bathroom and watch your kids while they’re in the tub?
Well, let me tell you - as the person in the tub, that shit is awkward.
Mere minutes after my wine and I settled into the tub, there was a tiny knock on the bathroom door followed by a not-so-tiny voice yelling, “Mama! I needa go pee!”
Enter Dictator, who proceeded to...
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“I don’t understand the whole wine-in-the-bathtub thing. It’s not...”
– The Husband, as I poured a glass of red to accompany me to the tub
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You Know What Sucks?
Telling an employee that he hasn’t passed his probation, and having him be so goddamned gracious about being fired that your cold, hardened Human Resources heart melts and you can barely keep it together enough to walk him through the paperwork.
And then having him tell you that he knows this must be very hard for you, and that he hopes you know that he understands why we had to make this...
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Not Quite Like Juno: Just a quick post while I... →
choosingadoption:
I’m talking to my case worker about being able to talk to other people who are considering placing and talking to adoptive parents before they get their books together for the agency. I don’t think Zakk will be interested in doing it since he’s so private about the adoption but it’s something I definitely want to do. I’ve gotten to talk to a lot of people through this blog and...
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After Complaining About How Long I Bled After...
Me: ...unless you've been slipping me bloodthinners.
Husband: Nope. I've been slipping you afrodesiacs, but they're not working.
Me: Maybe try aphrodisiacs. But that DOES explain why my hair has been so thick and luxurious.
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Dictator Just Turned Down Cake For Breakfast
She wanted a banana. And yogurt.
Have I taught her nothing?
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“Mama! We needa buy more ice cream!”
– Dictator, the moment her eyes opened this morning
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Lord Help Us When One of the Cats Dies
My heart rate is slowly returning to normal after hearing a high-pitched wail, followed by “Maaamaaaaaaa!” and hysterical sobbing, and then launching myself up the stairs without actually touching any of the steps.
I found Dictator in the middle of the room, clutching a shrivelling balloon - one she got at Ultracuts after her haircut last week.
“MAAAMAAA! MY BAHYOON! IT YITTLE...
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She's Going To Be Really Confused When She Goes To...
I told Dictator that we were going to McDonald’s for dinner tonight:
“Oh, I love Old MacDonald’s Farm, Mama!”
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Then the Best Thing Ever Happened
Some lady with more balls than I’ll ever have walked right up to the woman who filled her son’s bottle with Diet Coke, and plunked a carton of milk down on the table in front of her.
I wanted to run after her to get her autograph.
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Dear Woman In the Food Court Who Just Poured Half...
I am judging you.
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She Should Have Read the Fine Print
The other night, as I was putting Dictator to bed, there was the usual amount of protest, to which I said, “If you want to grow up big and tall like Mama and Daddy, you have to sleep. Sleep is important for you to grow.”
Dictator took that to heart, but I should have let her in on the fine print - you have to sleep several thousand times for sleep to do its job. Because the next...
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So Much for My Training Session
So-called “webinar” does not actually have web access.
Nor is the software that I need to access the session Mac-compatible.
Did I mention that I work for a telecommunications company?
Entertain me.
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Work/Life Balance
Pukey, clingy child plus mandatory, extremely detailed 7-hour webinar equals good time, no?
Don’t worry. I got this.
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Squeeeurrrrgghhhkk!
Somehow, without ever having heard the sound before, I knew that Dictator was shoving a balloon through the toilet seat.
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“Daddy, may I watch a show? You press da big red button and da little red button...”
– Yeah, I think “Dictator” is fitting.
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“Daddy, I all done brushing my teefs! I clean my mouf AND my nose!”
– Dictator, who went to bed with squeaky-clean nasal passages tonight.
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He Needs to Update His Contact List
The Husband and I had a misunderstanding over an email that he didn’t send (if you asked me) or that I didn’t receive (if you asked him). After many accusations much debate some discussion, we have solved the mystery: He sent it to my old email address.
The one that uses my maiden name.
Which I stopped using when we got married.
Seven years ago.
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I Just Realized I'm an Idiot
So. You can’t reply on a reblog. That (and not my gross unpopularity?) would explain the lack of response to this puppy.
Let’s try again, shall we?
Pay It Forward 2012
oneofourown:
I will make something handmade for the first 5 people who comment. They must in return post this and make something for the first 5 people who comment (it can be crafty or even just a cup of coffee)....
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I Think We May Have to Tone Down the Emphasis on...
Dictator (who is obsessed with my wedding rings): Daddy give you dis ring?
Me: Mm hmm. Do you know why Daddy gave me this ring?
Dictator: Because you go poop on the potty!
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Pay it Forward 2012
oneofourown:
I will make something handmade for the first 5 people who comment. They must in return post this and make something for the first 5 people who comment (it can be crafty or even just a cup of coffee). The rules are simple: it must be made by you and be received before 2012 ends. Let creative kindness and thinking of others begin! :)
Because I can always use an excuse to...
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And She Didn't Spill a Drop
This weekend, we decided that we’d had enough with the frog potty that we kept in the Dictator’s room (rather, we’d had enough with emptying the frog potty that we kept in the Dictator’s room).
Since our One In, One Out rule worked so well this Christmas, we asked Dictator if she wanted to give her potty to kids without potties. She was totally on board at the time, but...
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Going Booster Seat Shopping Today
Dictator’s only request: “I need one wif sprinkles on it!”
Wish us luck.
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Wingman
The Husband took Dictator grocery shopping yesterday. At the till, he left her sitting in the front of the cart while he put everything onto the belt, and she started chatting with the (young and apparently quite attractive) woman in line behind them.
Dictator turned around and asked the Husband if the woman was his friend. He told her that he didn’t know the lady; that she was just doing...
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(Most of) A Year In Review
I love the concept of the Best of Tumblr thingy, but I didn’t think it really represented my “best” posts from 2011 - and some of my favourites certainly aren’t my best, so… I hereby present to you my manually compiled, best-is-subjective, 2011 Tumblr Year In Review:
March: My second post ever, in which Dictator discovered homophones.
April: A post about laundry....
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Adulthood Fail... Or Win?
Current plans for this evening involve getting the Dictator to bed and then crawling into my own with the last season of Friday Night Lights, a beer, and probably a cat or two.
If I do it right, I can be sobbing quietly into the bottle over Vince’s love for his mama and/or clapping delightedly at something Jess does/says by 8:15.
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So That's Where Babies Come From!
After Dictator emptied the contents of her entire dresser onto her bedroom floor, I took the opportunity to curse a blue streak to go through her clothes and put the smaller things away. One of the bins I grabbed already contained a bunch of baby shoes, which prompted this little exchange:
Dictator: Mama, I need a baby.
Me: You do?
Dictator: Mm hmm. You needa make a baby for me.
Me: And how...
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Um, no.
When I’m putting the Dictator to bed, I often tickle her forearms to help her relax. Tonight she was finally settling in (after an impressive display of her physical and vocal strength), when she turned to me and asked, “Mama? May you please tickle my foreskin?”
