March 2012
61 posts
2 tags
He's Just Resting His Eyes
Dictator: Daddy, I watch hockey wif you?
Husband: Sure, sweetie.
Dictator: Okay. I haffa lie down and close my eyes like you lie down and close your eyes for watching hockey?
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Dear kid who didn’t show up for your 10:00 job...
When the hiring manager calls you at 10:15 to see if we got our wires crossed on the start time, the correct answer is not, “Oh. No, I knew it was 10:00, but I overslept and when I realized I wasn’t going to make it on time, I figured I didn’t have a chance so I just skipped it.”
And when the hiring manager graciously offers to see you anyway, and asks you when you can be here, and you say,...
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“Oooh! I like that!”
– Dictator, commenting on my outfit this morning.
Of course, she was wearing a black velvet Christmas dress, multicloured leggings covered in hearts, and a soft floral headband across her forehead, 80’s workout style. So I’m not sure whether I really appreciate her approval.
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“Ssh! Mama-Daddy still sleeping! The sun not up yet. The moon not down. I needa...”
– Dictator. To herself (or the cats). In a not-at-all-whispering whisper. At 5:00 this morning.
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That's What I Got Up For? Really?
Scene: Int. 3am. Mother rises to the cries of her three-year-old and stumbles blearily to the child’s bedroom.
Mother: Bebe, what’s wrong?
Child: [cries]
Mother: Sssh… What’s wrong?
Child: [stops crying; farts loudly] …Skew me!
End scene.
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Home Sweet Home
So, we’re leaving our old bank. And doing so is costing us too much money. But it’s worth it to us to finally get the house we want! (And to tell the bank to go screw themselves. Because that is definitely a fringe benefit of this decision.)
Who wants to help me move boxes?
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I've Been on Tumblr Too Long
Some asshole was tailgating me, and part of my road-ragey dialogue included: “I’m already speeding, jackass. If you don’t like the way I’m driving, just go ahead and unfollow.”
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She's A Real Morning Person
Me: Dictator...
Dictator:
Me: Bebe, it's time to get up.
Dictator:
Me: Hey you... the sun is up.
Dictator: Aw, maaaaan.
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She Called My Bluff
Dictator called my bluff this morning.
When my brother was about Dictator’s age, he would sometimes resist going to the sitter’s house in the morning, and my mother would say, “Well, we can’t just not go. We have to go tell Gail that you’re not coming.” And my placated little brother would happily put on his shoes and his coat and walk down the street to the...
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Almost Four
When your three-year-old asks if you can bake something “togevver”, and you say “yes”, but not “yes, in a few minutes; wait for me”, be prepared to drop whatever you’re doing and head to the kitchen right away.
Because if you instead choose to finish up what you’re doing, by the time you enter the kitchen you may find your three-year-old has gotten...
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Do Sad Bunnies Mean My Kid Is Sad?
We were decorating Easter bunny cutouts this morning. The kid kept drawing sad faces on the bunnies, despite the fact that she was laughing and smiling the whole time we were crafting.
I asked her why the bunnies were sad, and she just said, “nuffing.” I asked her if she was sad, and she said, “Nuh uh.” I asked her if she was happy and she giggled and gave me a super...
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bujnik replied to your post: “Mama, I want that!”
Lalaloopsy Dolls are such shit. The head is like a bowling ball and it’s all awkward plastic.
Their soulless dead eyes freak me out.
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"Mama, I want that!"
Thanks to Disney Jr., Treehouse, and our rapidly-growing collection of Disney movies, we’ve led a blissfully (kid-oriented) commercial-free life for the last few years.
That changed this morning when Dictator and I sat down to watch Kung Fu Panda, which we recorded from a regular TV station a few days ago.
Now Dictator knows we’ve been holding out on her. She’s been...
5 tags
Fuming. Absolutely Fucking Fuming.
We signed off on our new place on Sunday, pending lawyers and financing. Contract sent to lawyer: Check. Contract sent to bank: Check. Contract approved by lawyer: Check. Financing approved by bank: Check.
Wait. Hold everything. Cross out that last checkmark.
Why, you ask? Well, it’s not because of our stellar credit rating, or our well-paying jobs, or our extremely low debt ratio....
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There's a Rehab for This, Right?
It started with an online room planner. I thought one floor plan couldn’t do any harm. It’s just one layout, right? It’s no big deal. It’s not like one floor plan would lead to anything more serious.
But after that first floor plan, I built a second one with a different furniture layout. The next thing I knew, I wasn’t just eyeballing our furniture for kicks; I had...
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“The blue car is so dirty! We needa get a new car.”
– Dictator
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Safety First!
Dictator and I ran a few errands tonight, resulting in me having to buckle/unbuckle her a grand total of ten times.
Which meant that I had to buckle and unbuckle a very invisible but very safety-conscious Agent Oso ten times, too.
Because when your kid says, “Mama! You not drive if all the seat belts not on!”, you put your car in park, get out of the driver’s seat, and buckle...
3 tags
“In my new brown house I haffa bigger room and I haffa bigger bed and I haffa new...”
– Dictator’s assessment of our new place
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We bought a new house today.
August can’t come fast enough.
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She's Practically Sixteen, Right?
Dictator: I go to Lala's house and you go buy the brown house?
Me: That's the plan.
Dictator: How 'bout I drive?
Me: How about no?
Dictator: How 'bout yes, Mama? I bigger this day.
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Parents of the Year
Upon hearing the rustle of the cat food bag coming from the kitchen...
Husband: I have no idea what Dictator is doing with the cat food in there.
Me: So, do you think we should investigate?
Husband: Nah.
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“This is a great idea, Mama!”
– Dictator, whenever she wants to convince us of something. As in, “May I have a cookie for breakfast, Mama? This is a great idea!”
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You know you don't compliment each other enough...
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Well, That Was One Way to Lose 5 Pounds
Thanks for the stomach bug, Dictator.
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Sincere Apologies to the Guy Crossing the Street...
I was singing along to Cee Lo Green.
Those lyrics weren’t directed at you.
There was no need to give me the finger.
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You know the way a cat kneads the bed before it lays down? Dictator just poked and prodded me before snuggling in, then proclaimed that I’m not very comfy today.
Might have something to do with the bra I didn’t put on this morning.
Bring your own pillow next time, Kid.
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Launch Sequence
3… “Mama? I not sick.”
2… “Mama? I want a snack and a drink.”
1… “Ma-“
0… [puke]
And then we all roll over and get another half hour of sleep before the next one.
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I love you guys.
I just noticed that of the not quite anons from the other night, the ones with the most notes are the ones in which thefootlightclub and inkdot the anons were “attacking” me.
You guys are the best.
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Keeping this one in my back pocket in case I ever...
Me: Are your pants feeling a little snug?
Husband: Maybe. Well, yeah. I mean, I guess I've been putting on a little weight, but I didn't think you could tell. And it's kind of mean of you to just ask like that, even if I am getting kind of fat.
Me: You're not getting fat. You're wearing my pants.
Husband: Oh.
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thegorydetails replied to your post: thegorydetails replied to your post: I doubt that…
You’ll change your mind when you get a bucket of shit tossed on your head while out for a leisurely stroll.
This is why exercise is never the answer. Stay in. Sit down. Make people bring you stuff. That’s the way we pretentious bitches roll.
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Anonymous asked: What's the best way to break up a poo so that it fits down the toilet? I hate when it gets under my fingernails and then into the ground beef, so please don't suggest fingers.
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Really Brightened My Mood.
thefootlightclub:
You know what is a goddam riot of fun? Spamming itonlylookslikeimincharge your friend with all sorts of ridiculous anon questions when they get drunk on a business trip and turn on their ask box.
You guys ruined my fun.
Ruined it.
Also: Anon is always on. Why don’t you spam me more?
P.S. I had “You support masturbation” pegged as you from the...
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thegorydetails replied to your post: I doubt that your even a real blog. Totally some bullshit government sponsord website to promote adoption. Go use our dollars on important things like roads and shit.
I disagree. Spending money on sewers and sewage treatment is pretty important.
I think the old heave-a-bucket-of-excrement-out-the-window trick from the middle ages was totally reasonable and...
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Anonymous asked: Gay people?
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Anonymous asked: Help me settle a bet. Best way to remove flesh from animal skulls found by the side of the freeway?
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Anonymous asked: I doubt that your even a real blog. Totally some bullshit government sponsord website to promote adoption. Go use our dollars on important things like roads and shit.
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Anonymous asked: Do you ever wonder what it would be like if human vaginas were made of wood?
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juneofthemoon asked: Why are you not a never-nude? That's just pretentious.
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Anonymous asked: You support masturbation? Your hands are unclean in ways that you will never know. May God forgive you.
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Anonymous asked: Does your husband let you spoon him?
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Anonymous asked: Is adoption legal in Canada?
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Anonymous asked: I get the impression from your blog that you'd be a big Santorum supporter? Is that true or should I just stop following you?
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Anonymous asked: It's called a cloaca! A bird vagina is called a cloaca.
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Anonymous asked: Are you a poker or a pokee?
