Tomayto, Tomahto.
- Dictator: Mama, why you have those lines next to your eyes?
- Me: They're wrinkles that tell you that I smile a lot.
- Dictator: Oh. I thinked they are wrinkles that say you are OLD.
Introducing Olivia, the Prettiest Boy on Earth
- Dictator: Mama, today I wish to be a boy.
- Me: Okay. How come?
- Dictator: I just want to try it.
- Me: Cool.
- Dictator: And you will call me Olivia.
- Me: Solid name for a boy.
- Dictator: I know! It's the prettiest! Wait. What is 'prettiest' for a boy?
- Me: Usually 'handsome'. But I think boys can be pretty, too.
- Dictator: Okay! Today I will be Olivia. The prettiest boy in the earth!
Destined for Management
- After cleaning up the kitchen...
- Me: See? Isn't it easier when we both do it together?
- Dictator: Not as easy like when you just do all of it and I just watch you.
Demanding
- Dictator: May I have my pink shirt and my green pants? And then I want some Froot Loops and strawberries. And may I watch Iron Man on the 'puter?
- Me: Yes, yes, no, yes and only after you're finished eating. You're very demanding this morning.
- Dictator: What's 'manding?
- Me: Demanding. It's when you ask for a lot of stuff all the time or all at once.
- ... an hour later ...
- Me: Bebe, put on your boots and your jacket, please. And bring your lunch kit here.
- Dictator: Mama, you is very 'manding.
It's Really That Simple, Isn't It?
- Me: Bebe, what are all your friends names?
- Dictator: Gloria, Kennedy, Montana... Hmm... Dictator...
- Me: You're your own friend?
- Dictator: Most of the days. But when I's not my friend, I just say, "that's not nice!" and I be my friend again.
Mine, Too.
- Dictator: I don't like Brooklyn all the days.
- Me: You don't?
- Dictator: Nah. I don't like her on Sundays and Mondays.
- Me: Why don't you like her on Sundays and Mondays?
- Dictator: Those are my grumpy days.
“Daddy! There is bubbles coming out my bum!”
—Farting in the bathtub really is one of life’s little pleasures, isn’t it?
Well.
- Dictator: Daddy, can you read me a book?
- Husband: No, it's time to sleep. And Mama already read you a book.
- Dictator: I know. I just didn't listen.
I just went upstairs to make the bed so that the Husband thinks I did something other than catch up on Grey’s Anatomy today and found this.
She won’t make her own bed, but apparently Dictator will not only make mine, but also leave me one of her favourite cuddle buddies.
She probably managed to do this when I was yelling at her to get her butt in gear and get downstairs for daycare. Oops.
She Knows Herself Really Well
We got a pre-pre-registration kindergarten checklist from the school today. (Whaaa? No. I refuse. Excuse me while I find some wine to cry into.)
The Husband was running through the checklist of skills that kids need before attending kindergarten, calling them out and asking Dictator if she can do them (as a joke, since the list was kind of laughably simple):
Husband: Can you tell me your first name?
Dictator: Dictator [Middle Name] [Terrible Pronunciation of Last Name]!
Husband: Overachiever. Can you… show me how old you are on your fingers?Dictator: Four! [holds up fingers]
Husband: Can you listen and follow instruction?Dictator: Yeah, but mostly I just don’t want to.
“May you please turn off that light for me… Servant?”
—Wait, what now?
She’s All Set To Ring In The New Year
“Mama! I am wearing my party panties!”
Just Wait Until Your Forehead Is As Old As Mine, Kid
- Dictator: Mama, when I make my face like this [scrunches up nose], I make wrinkles here [rubs her forehead].
- Me: Hey, I make wrinkles when I do that too!
- Dictator: Yeah, 'cept my wrinkles go 'way when I stop.
Elle est une petite smartass
- Dictator: Us is going to see Santa today?
- Husband: We. Say "we", not "us".
- Dictator: Oui, oui, madame!
Well, at least she's honest.
- Dictator: Fuck.
- Me: Pardon?
- Dictator: [shyly] Fuck.
- Me: That's a grownup word, remember? When you're big like me, you can say it all you want, but you can't say it now because you're a kid.
- Dictator: Oh.
- Me: Let's shake on it - fuck is a grownup word, and you promise not to use it until you're big.
- Dictator: [face]
- Me: What?
- Dictator: That might be a hard promise.
