Whether or not you believe Mother’s Day applies to you, I want to thank you for choosing adoption and for making this day a possibility for someone else. 

I had the privilege of breakfast on the fancy china and excited chatter with my best girl this morning because someone chose me to be her mom. Mother’s Day is possible for me only because of the selflessness of a woman like you.

Words are inadequate, but still - Thank you. 

This. This is why. 

My heart exploded. 

Birthmom perspective (in italics below) on this earlier post… Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kelsey! (The section I bolded particularly resonates with me.)

itonlylookslikeimincharge:

This is an interesting opinion piece by Meika Rouda, who writes great articles for The Next Family. In this particular article, she considers the following quote found on a birthmother support website:

“When I am talking to another birth mom, I’m not a birth mom, I’m a mom. We don’t have to put a title on it. I can say ‘Oh my son did this or my daughter did this‘ and I can just be a mom. There are no stipulations on it, there’s no stigma. We can just be moms.”

She goes on to say that she thinks “…it is dangerous thinking for birthmothers to be sitting around talking about the children they placed like they’re the ones mothering them. It is a different job and one that adoptive moms should get the credit for.”

I don’t think that’s what this particular birthmom was saying - I think she was saying that she can be proud of her child’s accomplishments without having to explain the dynamic of their relationship (or lack of one, depending on their situation). I don’t believe she was trying to suggest that she was mothering her child at all.

Regardless of what that birthmom was trying to say, it’s the author’s suggestion that “credit” is due to anyone that bothers me the most.

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This is perfect because I was actually going to make a post on this but instead, I’ll just reblog! The other day I had a woman ask me if I had any children, and I was completely stumped as to what to say. I’ve noticed in society, birth moms aren’t really considered mothers. Usually when/if I tell people that in fact, I do have a son, who I don’t raise or care for, it usually followed by things you should never say to a birth mom. People don’t view me as a mother, and sometimes I just want to scream at them. I AM a mother. I just made a different choice for my kid, which does not make me less then you. As a mother, isn’t it your responsibility to make sure your doing the best by your child? And by making an adoption plan to ensure that my son gets everything he could need, am I not doing the same thing? It’s not the same thing as being in the thick of it all, raising your kid and everything, but it does not make me less of a mother. It’s a double edged sword, really.

I look at pictures of Matthew, and I see me, I see Zakk, and I think of how beautiful and wonderful he is. But I do not see him as MINE. Rachel is his mother, but he would not be here without me. I do refer to him as my son, because he is. And he always will be. But he isn’t just my son. He is the son to four adults. And that’s the beauty in an open adoption. He has two parents, but he is the son to four people. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have a right to call him my son, and I still feel weird doing it sometimes. But I am coming to terms with the fact that’s exactly what he is. Me and Rachel are different kinds of moms.

And you know what? That’s okay.

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viaukraine:

tiffabulous:

Seeing this picture, remembering this moment, the look on Claire’s face, feeling the love I have for her and for Kennedy, brings me to tears.

All you people out there who think a birth mother gives her baby up for adoption because she doesn’t want, or care about, or love the child?

This.

The love and pain in this woman’s face brings back every incredible, heartbreaking, loving, excruciating moment of our first meeting with our daughter.

Bittersweet doesn’t begin to describe it. 

 mediocremommy replied to your post: Happy, um, Mother’s Day?

I love this post! You should read my post A Tale of Two Mommies. It’s nice for me to find someone that understands how I feel. p.s. the fact that you call your child the dictator is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.

That’s how I found you! I think I had searched for “adoption” and that post came up. It’s an incredible post and I’m linking to it here so other people can read it - because they should! 

mediocremommy: A Tale of Two Mommies

Dictator’s psuedonym was inspired by Rebecca Eckler’s Life With a Pint-Sized Dictator. And aren’t all todlders miniature dictators? (She shows no signs of giving up the title, either.)

 mediocremommy answered your question: Happy, um, Mother’s Day?

we keep it simple…an email with photos.

Do you wish her a happy Mother’s Day or Birthmother’s Day? Do you avoid it like we did? 

(I’m just nosy.)

I struggled with this post a little bit, which is partly why it’s a few days late, so forgive me. (In related news, I’m terrible with deadlines.) But a belated Mother’s Day card arrived for me today and that was enough of a kick in the pants to finish writing. 

My daughter has two mothers. 

There’s me: raising her, teaching her, scolding her, cuddling her, watching Toy Story 8,673 times at her request, loving her.

And there’s her birthmother: carrying her, making impossible choices for her, spending 17 hours in labour with her, finding parents for her, loving her. 

And even though I’ve always felt that Dictator has two mothers, whenever Mother’s Day has come around, I’ve struggled with how to honour her birthmother properly. I didn’t want to offend her by assuming that she felt that she was a mother. I didn’t want to offend her by ignoring the fact that she was one. I sure as hell didn’t want to ask her if it would hurt or offend her in any way. 

The first year, I spent days scouring the internet, trying to figure out what the “right” thing to do was. I found website after website dedicated to the cheesiest cards I’d ever seen, sites that said we should only be honouring Birthmother’s Day, sites that said that Birthmother’s Day was a crock, sites that said that we should ignore it all. 

Birthmother’s Day didn’t seem right to me. I don’t think birthmother is an adequate term for who she is to us. But I was so afraid that wishing her a happy Mother’s Day was going to hurt her. What if she didn’t feel like a mother? Or worse - what if she felt like a mother without her baby, and I was just highlighting the pain?

Eventually, for that first Mother’s Day, I decided to send flowers. I attached a thank-you note and wrote, “When I look at her smile, I see your smile. When I look into her eyes, I see your eyes. She will always be a part of you. Thank you for sharing this incredible gift with us.” 

I hoped she would recognize it as a Mother’s Day gesture. I hoped she would understand the subtlety of not actually wishing her a happy Mother’s Day - in order to be sensitive to her feelings, not in avoidance or because I didn’t want to share the title. 

It’s gotten easier to wish her a happy Mother’s Day directly, but I’m curious to know what your thoughts are - how it’s handled in your family if you’re involved in an adoption in any way, especially if you’ve developed some great traditions over time, or if you have words of caution learned by experience; what you plan to do if you’re going to be involved in an adoption; what your opinion is if you just happen to be opinionated… 

Share, m’kay?